A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
Go to BabaMail
