What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
So, is it my dugout or yours?
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
"Be kind, re-wine."
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
We’re in a-green-ment.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
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