"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
I can heartly wait to see you.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
How about a kanga-root?
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
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