How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
Did you know you look good in short pants?
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
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