You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Witches are always wand-ering around…
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
Nice pumpkins!
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Air resistance is a real drag.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
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