What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
How about a kanga-root?
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
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