Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Let me plant one on ya!
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
I think you are just A-Cora-able
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
I think my heart just lagged.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
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