Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
Old Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
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