Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
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