What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
So how many cats do you have?
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
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