What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
One trick peony.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
Resting Grinch face.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
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