What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
I love you berry much.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
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