A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
I love when you coddle me.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
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