Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
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