You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Sea you at the beach.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
This summer is going swimmingly.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
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