What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
After all is sled and done.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Go to BabaMail
