My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
You just caused a heat wave.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
"Bone to be wild."
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
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