At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
It's ice to meet you.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
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