What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My lobster's name is:
Claude
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
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