Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
We like to paddy.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
I beg your garden?
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
"I don't tan. I burn"
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
You're such a TEAse.
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