My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.

What cheese do beavers like? eDam

Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.

Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”

[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.

Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.

How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.

What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.

I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.

Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.

How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.

How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.

“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown

My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.

This vacation has been sand-sational!

I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.

What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.

I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.

What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!

What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.

A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.

Do you want to Australian Kiss?

“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English

Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain

Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!

Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable

"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous

Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!

I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place

Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.

Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.

What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.

Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.

What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive

What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.

The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.

I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.

Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland

Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.

What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...

John, you have so much po(tato)tential!

Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?

“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet