I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Wow, you drive me Davi
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
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