Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.

What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.

What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.

"You're the wine that I want."

I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.

"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson

I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!

Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.

I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.

Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!

What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.

Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.

Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!

Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!

My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.

I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.

Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.

How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.

Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.

For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.

What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.

My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta

What did the evaporating raindrop say?

I’m going to pieces.

You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.

It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.

- Natasha Niemi

What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.

It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”

My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!

Say it ain’t snow.

What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.

At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!

I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.

I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place

Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.

“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English

Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.

My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.

How do trains eat?
They chew chew.

I like you a latte.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear

Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual

What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!

Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.

I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.