What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Where my prose at?
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
Metaphors be with you.
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
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