I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Live to tell the tail.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
Everybody romaine calm.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
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