Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
You’re more special than relativity.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
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