What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
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