Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.