Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
You really mermaid my day.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
I'm fondue you, it's true
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
The huddle is real
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
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