Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
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