What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Go to BabaMail
