Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
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