“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
I followed my heart to you.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
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