"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
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