My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
I want you more than I want world peace.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Keep calm and carrot on.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
They say everything gets better with age.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
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