"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Pugs and kisses.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
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