What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
This vacation has been sand-sational!
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
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