Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
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