It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
"Just looking on the sunny side."
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
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