“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan

I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.

A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.

I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.

Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.

My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.

Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?

What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”

What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.

I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.

Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!

What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.

Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.

Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.

Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee

I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.

So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck

The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”

Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.

What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.

You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.

It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.

If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?

What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!

Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!

Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.

Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.

I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.

If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.

Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!

What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!

Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together

Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.

Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.

How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!

"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair

A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.