What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
I think you're mer-mazing.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
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