What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
I’m very frond of you.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
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