This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
Snow thank you.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
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