Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
Icy what you did there!
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
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