What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
I whale always love you.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Want to become my new personal best?
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
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