Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
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