"Don't worry, be hoppy."
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Nathan compares to you
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
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