A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Feeling my shelf.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
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