What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
You are the object of my preposition.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Leave poetry to the prose.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
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