What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Yule be sorry.
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
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