I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
This vacation has been sand-sational!
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
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